OVFM 2022 Garden Party Notice


GARDEN PARTY – 26th JULY 2022 at  6pm.


Our summer get-together replaces our usual meeting and is on Tuesday 26th July. It’s now called a “Garden Party” but the event has evolved a great deal over the years.


Way back many, many years ago it was a simple gathering of members over a beef burger in a bun accompanied by a few fried onions. That proceeded to grow year by year until it became a fully-fledged barbecue, with a choice of meats and a wide variety of salads and desserts. However, all this entailed an awful lot of work for some members, including a cook, who didn’t get the chance to relax and enjoy themselves with everybody else, so it was suggested we ordered in fish and chips.


This worked very well until we had to stop meeting because of Covid 19.


We have always been very grateful to those members who offered to accommodate us in their gardens where we’ve had a variety of experiences. We’ve met in all weathers (bad weather never puts a stop to OVFM!) including the night of ‘Pavarotti in the Park’,  with Princess Diana filmed sitting in torrential rain. We were privileged to have as our cook that night Frank Hyde’s son, a chef at the 5 star Balmoral hotel in Edinburgh, who, nothing daunted, battled away under a big tarpaulin to keep us fed. On another occasion some brave folk were able to have a swim in Mike Shaw’s outdoor pool.


This year, we are grateful to Colin and Corrie Jones for inviting us to their lovely garden (address in the Members’ Only section) where we’re going to have a ‘bring your own’ picnic for which there are a few requests –


  • Arrive from 6 (six) pm
  • Bring your own food, drink and glasses.
  • Add something warm to wear in case it gets chilly.
  • Chairs if you wish but there will be some available.
  • There’s parking in nearby roads but be careful not to block any entrances.
  • Masks are worn at your own discretion


This is a good opportunity to meet up again and catch up with all your news.


Partners are also very welcome so please do come along and make it a party.


One last request – please let Barbara  J. know by 24th July whether or not you will manage to be there, and how many of you there will be.

Annabelle Lancaster



It’s late July which can only mean it is the annual OVFM Summer Social garden party!

As with last year, this year’s event is once again hosted by Kemsing Mafia members James and Fran Morton-Robertson which means a trip to Sevenoaks for those attending.

You can find Jim’s address in the MEMBERS’ DETAILS listings of the Members Only section of this site (so be sure you are logged in to see it). Carpooling is advised as parking is limited.

Please note that the event will begin at 5.30pm so ensure you arrive for around 5:15 pm. Hopefully you have all lodged your food requirements with Annabelle Lancaster, if not you’re going to starve. Cutlery will be provided by Jim but you are liberty to bring your own, as well as your own choice of beverage if you wish to have something stronger than tea, coffee and soft drinks. If you wish to bring your own chair do make sure it is not a low slung design like a deck chair as Jim’s tables are reportedly high.

I have not been advised as to whether there will be any entertainment provided, though after last year’s debacle with the car key party game where everyone ended up picking their own car this might be a good thing.

So, bring your wellies, raincoats and umbrellas (and perhaps pack sunglasses and sun-cream as a precaution, just in case the sun decides to come out and ruin everything) and enjoy the evening with your friends at OVFM at Chez Morten-Robertson for the Summer Social!

2018 Summer Social Report


Sun Shines on Summer Social


WORDS: Hugh Darrington

PICTURES: Hugh Darrington and Jane Oliver (click to enlarge)


“Just keeping telling yourself, there’s no place like home!”

Well, the OVFM summer social (formerly our barbecue evening), held in Jim Morton-Robertson’s lovely garden on July 24, certainly ticked all the right boxes.

“And this is where our noisy neighbour with the drum kit ended up!”

Nineteen of us, including wives and partners, got together in a comfortable shaded patio area to eat fish and chips, delicious desserts and ice cream. The desserts, mouth-watering trifles, strawberry pavlova, apple tart and ice creams were provided by Fran Morton-Robertson, Corrie Jones, Barbara Darby, Brenda Wheatley and Peter Mitchell. And as evening drew in we didn’t get a bit chilly.  Marvellous.

“I don’t know what you’re on about – I can’t taste the anthrax!”

Reg Lancaster’s team won the ‘ who is it’ picture quiz, and Colin Jones’ team (including me ahem) won the general knowledge quiz after a nail-biting tie breaker. Actually we were the only team which knew which animal’s wee is so thick it is like treacle, and its pats so dry they are used for fuel. Answers on a postcard please. Quizzes were put together by our leader Jane Oliver and presented by our now resident actor Chris Towers.

“I wish I brought my glasses, so I could read the small print in this contract!”

The parking was coordinated by Jim who squeezed nine or ten cars in his drive although some drivers had their reversing skills put to the test when the time came to leave.

“I hope you’re insured!”

Thanks to everybody who helped put this together, particularly Jim and Fran for getting it all ready in their garden and cleaning up afterwards.

“Jim, it’s nearly time for Love Island.”
“Right! Release the hounds!”


For the full collection of photos please visit the club gallery HERE !

OVFM CLUB MEETING – Tuesday August 22nd 2017

Summertime and the living is easy, or in the case of the current climate, the living is wet! But fear not as the inclement weather won’t stop the annual OVFM Garden Party from going ahead, oh no.

Assuming the role of host again this year is club treasurer David “Off-Shore Account” Laker who is clearly a glutton for punishment if he is opening his home to us lot again but if he is kind enough to do so then it would be rude not to take advantage.

You may have noticed this year’s event is happening a little later than usual and as such, to accommodate this, the kick off time has been brought forward to enjoy more of the evening light; therefore please arrive at 6:15pm for a 6:30pm start! The address can be found in the Member’s Only section of this site (so be sure you are logged in to see it).

David asks that no-one park their cars on the grass verge outside his palatial abode as it isn’t politically correct or something so perhaps this is one instance where carpooling might be a good idea to ensure plenty of spaces along the road for everyone.

As ever, the host only provides the location so those of you attending this tawdry shindig are advised to bring your own plates, cutlery (if you prefer your own over plastic forks), glasses, condiments (if your favourite isn’t available), chairs and tables. Coffee and tea will be served as per normal, as will squash and water but feel free to bring any other drinks if you like. Oxygen is free. Hopefully by now you should have all submitted your choice of meal via the form passed round at the last few club meetings. If not, it looks like you are going to starve. **EDIT** – Oh an umbrella might comes in handy too, just in case….

Since it has become something of a tradition at Chez Laker (or maybe a sign that he has run out of ideas) the legendary table tennis table will be available for use so if you fancy pinging or ponging some balls to amuse yourself, the opportunity will be there. Other activities rumoured to be open to all this year include a Twerking competition, a Tae-Kwon-Do tournament, Spot the Pimple, a poetry reading from the works of Piers Morgan and a round of Chasing The Dragon.

There is nothing like an OVFM Garden Party but that isn’t my fault, it is what you make of it which is why I stay away! The rest of you are free to enjoy yourselves if you wish.

Have fun kiddies, just don’t make the 10 o’clock news again like you did last year….




For our next club meeting we leave our usual premises of the Barnyard Room for the annual Garden Party!

This year Colin Jones and Mrs. Colin will once again open their home up to club members and their partners (that’s your own partners by the way, a new rule enforced after last year’s embarrassment when Mike Shaw and Ian Menage turned up with each other’s wives) wishing to spend a cold, wet night in their glorious garden under the pretence of summer social gathering.

Colin’s address can be found in the Members Details section of this site (be sure you are logged into access it) while Mrs. Colin’s address is none of your business. I was sent a crude map illustrating the exact location of the Jones abode but as I say it was crude and I’m not having that kind of filth on this website! (Only joking, I posted it on the Members Details page for safety to keep undesirables from seeing Colin’s address).

I was also sent a recent picture of the garden, just in case anyone doesn’t know what grass, bushes and random flowers look like in situ:


And breathe out.

Because of where their house is positioned, it is suggested those driving should park along Grosvenor Road where possible, while parking on Colin’s driveway is to be reserved for those handling the catering duties and no-one else upon pain of death or a bop over the head with a feather duster, whichever is most convenient. If you are arriving on foot, congratulations on learning how to walk.

With regard to the food, you should have all filled in the form passed around at previous club meetings denoting your preferences. If you didn’t then you’re going to starve.

Since it is against Colin’s religion to have more than four chairs in the house, those attending are advised to bring their own garden chair to sit on, unless you are adept at levitation, as well as small table if you can only suspend one thing in the air at a time. Also, to minimise the amount of washing up the hosts will have to do, you are asked to provide your own cutlery, glasses and additional condiments should you require them.

To truly minimise any hassle for Mr & Mrs. Colin, perhaps it is best to not turn up at all, and let them stuff their faces with 30 orders of fish, chips, chicken, Chinese, pizza and Sugar Puffs (yes Reg, your secret is out!).

Entertainment will be provided by your own imagination as Colin was forced to pawn his Buckaroo game to pay for Mrs. Colin’s new gold plated hairspray – unless someone spikes the coffee in which case I am glad I’ll be staying at home.  Then again Colin might do one of his famous theatrical turns for you, so just to be sure the police will be on standby.

The doors to Chez Colin will be opened at 6:30pm, a bit earlier than our usual meeting start time but these are different circumstances in case you hadn’t noticed. If you arrive late, the key will be under the mat, the mat will be under the cat and the cat will be under the influence of ten pints of Carlsberg.

So please make sure you have a good(ish) time and don’t overindulge like Hugh Darrington famously once did and spent most of 1989 on the toilet (and you thought he always sounded like that) and be kind to Colin and Mrs. Colin’s home – it’s the only one they have (well, officially anyway).

Bon appétit!

OVFM Club Meeting Tuesday August 4th 2015



The highlight of the summer for many in OVFM is getting away from this dreary country of ours and experiencing the delights and wonders of other societies where the sun is likely to be on display for more than a few minutes and the company is usually pleasant and welcoming.

Those who choose to stay behind have to pay for their sins by attending the annual OVFM Garden Party!

Playing the role of host this year is club treasurer David “Off-Shore Account” Laker and his diamond encrusted wife Carole, whose address can be found in the Member’s Only section of this site (so be sure you are logged in to see it).

As ever, because the weather can never make up its bloody mind, attendees are requested to descend upon Chez Laker at 7:00pm for 7:15pm start. This is to ensure that meals are eaten while it is still light and the air is pleasant and breezy. If you arrive late you will be locked out and have to eat the grass on the verge instead.

Speaking of which, David asks that no-one park their cars on said verge as somebody once did in 1968 and the planets in our solar system fell out of alignment for three hours. Obviously we don’t want that happening again so please bear this in mind if you are arriving by car.

Since David is only providing the location, you are advised to bring your own plates, cutlery, glasses, condiments, drinks, chairs, tables, hesitation, repetition, deviation and repetition. Coffee and tea will be served as per normal but it is up to you if you drink it or not.

By now you should have all submitted your choice of meal via the form Freddy passed round at the last few club meetings. If you didn’t attend those meetings then you wouldn’t have seen the form thus this paragraph is irrelevant to you.

As host David is also obliged to provide some form of entertainment to liven things up a little bit. Two year ago David hosted a table tennis tournament which garnered quite a response from club members, but despite that, it is rumoured he is bringing it back again this year! Alongside this, other party games will be wheeled out for your amusement including Naked Twister, Pin The Tail On The Warthog, Hide And Seek And Destroy, Five-A-Side Kerplunk, British Bullfrog and Knock Up Ginger (Biggles Edition).

OVFM Garden Parties are a unique experience it has been said, least of all by those who attend them but don’t take my word for it, just ask the SAS who are on call every year exclusively to deal with the rowdiness that ensues at one of our get-togethers.

You have been warned!

OVFM Club Meeting Tuesday July 22nd 2014



To the tune of “Day Trip To Bangor” By Fiddler’s Dram


Didn’t we have a terrible time

The night we went to Mike Shaw’s

It was that time of year

The one we all fear

The annual club garden party


The fish when arrived

It was still alive

And the chips were still potatoes

And Mike felt a fool when he fell in the pool

Still fully clothed

And Annabelle cried when she realised

She had left Reg at home!



Or maybe it went well, who knows? That is down to you and of course the weather!

Yes in case you had missed the e-mails, announcement, notices, carrier pigeon messages, newspaper ads, Internet memes and door to door reminders from Mike himself, this year’s garden party makes its return to Mike Shaw’s palatial abode (address is in the members section) after a two year break which conveniently sees the expiry date of the ASBO Mike received from the last time he hosted it!

A quick note before we get onto the dos and don’ts regarding parking – there will be limited prearranged priority only parking on the main drive and those people who should already have been notified about this. Everyone else will have to try the luck on the road instead. Perhaps some of you could carpool to avoid having the whole street occupied by OVFM?

On to the specifics of the evening and the arrival start time is a little earlier than usual with a 7:00pm for 7:15pm start. If you arrive late you will be locked out and Mike will set the hamsters onto you.

By now you all should have filled in the forms Pat Palmer sent round at the last few club meetings with your choice of meal and dessert. As ever if you have your own dietary needs or wish to provide your own alternatives and dessert that is fine. Drinks are to be provided by you while teas and coffees will be served later in the evening.

As Mike has given the servants the night off, you will be responsible for bringing your own chairs, table, cutlery, glasses and condiments, while it is encouraged you pack an umbrella or a jacket in case the weather decides to be unfair and swerve towards being inclement. Also anyone in possession a gazebo is kindly requested to bring it along it with them. Those of you not attending the party do not need to bring anything.

While there will be fun and games throughout the evening to liven things up a bit, those of you who attended the last party held at Chez Shaw will know that Mike has a heated swimming pool and the invitation has once again been extended to anyone who wishes to make use of it can do, on the proviso that you wear regulated swimming attire. The good thing about this is that if it rains and you get cold and wet you can dry off in the warm pool!

Finally this meeting marks the deadline for the Create a Poster Competition so if you have a last minute entry, please bring it along with you. I don’t know if the judging will be done by a public vote there and then but if it does, may I just point out that people who vote for my entry will have a longer life expectancy than those who don’t.

Anyway that’s pretty much all the bases covered so all that remains is for me to say everyone have a good time. Go on – I dare you!

OVFM Club Meeting Tuesday July 9th 2013


The sun has got his hat on, which makes you wonder what the hat is made out of to withstand such scorching heat, and that can mean only one thing: rain is on its way!

But before that, we have the small matter of the OVFM annual garden party (nee barbecue) to get through. This year’s fiasco will be hosted by our treasurer David “Offshore Account” Laker and his good lady wife Carole. Their address can be found on the Members Details page or in the latest issue of the Viewfinder and attendees are asked to arrive at 7:00pm for 7:15pm. Anyone who arrives late will be tarred and feathered.

Dress code is casual but not trashy, while the men are left to their own discretion as to whether they want to a dress or not.

David has made a specific request that no-one park their cars on the grass verge outside his house; helicopters and battleships are permitted but not cars. This is because it will upset the dog owning neighbours as their pets will have nowhere to soil. That’s the official reason – the real reason is David doesn’t want his neighbours knowing that he associates with such riff raff as us!

By now you all should have placed your food order with Freddy and while teas and coffees will be served during the night, you are requested to bring your own drinks if you fancy something a bit fizzier/stronger/drinkable. This also applies to any food for those of you not accommodated by the proposed menu or have a special diet to adhere to. Oh that reminds me – no alcohol either. Right Cherie?

Hands up anyone capable of levitation? Just as I thought, in that case it is worth your while bringing your own chairs to sit on and your own tables for resting your plates, glasses, cutlery, condiments and other relevant items you will also need to bring with you. I never though I’d say this, but this could be the one time of the year where it might be of great benefit to own a caravan – if anything you’ll avoid the long queue for the slop bucket!

The final request our decadent hosts have is for anyone in possession of table tennis paddles to bring them along to the event. Now, we all know David as a man of culture and high brow tastes so it stands to reason he has something refined planned that will make the evening a more enjoyable experience for all. Or maybe this is the night he reveals his kinky side to us all. The only way to find out is to bring your paddle!!

I think that is just about it.

Roll on Tuesday!

OVFM Club Meeting Tuesday July 3rd 2012


Another OVFM annual tradition supplants our regular club meetings this week in the form of the annual barbecue – or in this case a Garden Party.

Why a garden party? Well, the event this year will be held in the stately home of Colin and Mrs Colin Jones (you know where to look for the address; if not how the hell did you get onto this website?) and they have some shrubs that need digging up and can’t be arsed to do it themselves. So anyone foolish enough to show up with a shovel and wheelbarrow to unleash their inner Titchmarsh will be reward with some food. Possibly.

In following on from last year’s event held at Mike Shaw’s palatial abode, the menu will be another feast of fish and chips style sustenance. Hopefully you all should have filled in the form passed around at the recent club meetings stating whether you were attending and what food you would like to eat. If you didn’t then I’m afraid you’re going to starve.

As before you need to make sure you bring your own chairs, tables, drinks, glasses, cutlery, plates, condiments, washing up liquid, toilet, books, TV, computers, music, oxygen, and as it’s summer, your raincoats, umbrellas, snorkels, towels, change of clothes etc. and, if you’ve got room left in the car, yourselves.

Colin will be opening his doors at 6:30pm then shutting them again as his wife says it lets the cold in. You will of course need the password to gain entrance into the Jones residence and that password can be found wherever you last left it. If you have any trouble parking then you might need to practice more.

It should be a fun evening.*




*Should be but I’m making no promises.