Carry On Coaching…By Jove it’s the Rehearsal!

Smile and The Whole World Smiles With You

While Old Man Winter has been quietly cloaking itself in Spring’s mantle (fingers crossed) the Intelligentsia Juggernaut that is the OVFM Coaching Experience has been steadily rumbling onward towards it’s goal…like some giant, steady, rumbling thing.

Chris Points Like There's No Tomorrow

Monday 23rd January 2012 saw a crack team of keen film makers, actors, technical gurus, avid students of cinema and assorted hangers on, gather in the Garden Room for what was to go down in Club history as quite literally ‘the rehearsal’.

"Make it So Barbara"

Under Lee Relph’s directorship a film was to be brought to life before our very eyes…and we were excited, very excited! In fact some of us had not been this excited since we’d witnessed Freddy leap to her feet like a startled gazelle, announce to the assembled group that she was ‘Feeling hot, hot, hot’, sprint down the garden and dive head first into the pool with a cry of ‘SERIAC forever!’. I can tell you that’s one committee meeting I wont forget in a hurry. What a woman!

"My, my, that is a flat cap and no mistake!"

Anyway getting back to the plot we find our hero Lee taking Colin Jones’ script idea and crafting it into a screenplay fit for Bollywood, with dancing, singing, colourful costumes, casts of thousands, a sword fight, two exploding wedding cakes, a donkey, a romance, a romantic donkey…in fact it had everything…except the budget!

There's got to be an easier way to get a suntan!


I think therefore I film

So our poor hero (ahh) returns to his draughty garret, takes up his quill, and by the feeble light of a guttering candle he sets to work again. For seven days and seven nights not a sound is heard from his attic room but the scratching of nib on coarse paper. It’s about this time that Lee decides he really should have invested in some ink, and casting aside his quill he reaches instead for his trusty laptop and with two bounds he revises the script and makes his deadline with just seconds to spare.

No! We are NOT making a blue film!

Wrapping a morsel of cheese and a crust of dry bread in a checkered handkerchief he sets off for the bright lights of London Town (with his cat), to make his fortune. And when he hears the sound of Bow Bells he knows (and so does the cat, it’s a very intelligent cat. The sort of cat that can catch it’s own supper, look after it’s self and do a little light conveyancing on the side) that Everything Was Going To Turn Out Fine.

There's the doers... and then there's the don'ters

And so it transpired. Lee made his film and it was Good. And the people said ‘Behold! This IS a Good film.’ And our hero lived happily ever after and went on to make many more movies, all critically acclaimed masterpieces. However they were sadly also commercial flops, but that didn’t matter because when the property market finally picked up the cat was ready and made an absolute killing and there was plenty of money to live on and to finance Lee’s cinematic extravaganzas for years to come!

Star Quality always shows through

But I get ahead of myself, that is all for another day.

For now it is still just the rehearsal (but with a bit of filming too, well actually quiet a bit of filming, in fact there’s a heck of a lot of filming going on to be honest, mainly ‘cos of this and that reason, you know how it is.)

Determined to make a clean sweep Basil brings his new broom.
Steady As A Rock

Anyway the “rehearsal”!

People flocked from every quarter of the compass to join the team. They flocked like…erm…birds, like exotic birds, like bejewelled birds of paradise, their wings scattering prisms of rainbow coloured light as they flew. And when passers-by looked up and saw them they gasped at their beauty, and the wise ones among them nodded sagely and said

“that there them be from OVFM, ’tisn’t for the likes of us, look away.”

But a particularly kindly old bird (but still with nicely preserved plumage and his own beak) hearing this swooped down and invited the passers-by to come along (without obligation for two meetings, and then after that special rates for couples, students and juniors, terms and conditions apply, bejewelled wings not a guarantee), and they did, and the people rejoiced.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

So as I was saying people came, people helped, people loitered, lights were put up, put down, chairs were arranged, added to, moved, sat upon. People acted, people filmed, sometimes people even filmed the actors. Tea was drunk, chips were scoffed, and finally after much hard work, energetic endeavour, and the occasional pregnant pause (Fiona we salute your forbearance) it was time to wrap the cans or whatever it is that they say in MovieLand.

Until, that is, TOMORROW!

Is There A Midwife in the House?


Click HERE for Part Two..

8 Replies to “Carry On Coaching…By Jove it’s the Rehearsal!”

  1. I have to say that despite being two long days, it’s still a blur to me. Probably because I was the only one who didn’t get to sit down for a break!

    Still, great write up as usual Simon!

    1. Sitting is for whimps!
      As is breakfast, lunch, vests, slippers and water bottles. Whimps? Sign me up.

  2. As a participant in the rehearsal and shooting of ‘The Amazing Healing Machine’ on Monday and Tuesday I want to say how impressed I was at how smoothly it all went and how enthusiastically everyone played their part. Working on a film set was a new experience for me and I can now appreciate the enormous amount of work that goes into the planning of such a project. Lee, who was director, not only wrote the script but organized the set, actors, props, makeup, wardrobe, cameras, lighting, sound, shooting schedule, storyboard and a myriad of other things. This is an onerous task and, to me, he behaved like a professional during the shoot who knew exactly what he wanted from everyone. It surprised me to learn that it was a learning experience for him too. Thanks Lee, you did a great job.
    Thanks also to Ian, who, apart from demonstrating his acting abilities, managed the project.
    Freddy, the coffee was delicious and very welcome

    1. Thanks for the kind words John! I’m glad the experience was an enjoyable and educational one for you.

      However I think you may be giving me a bit too much credit for some of the things on that (admittedly mammoth) list since Ian was just as active on the organisational front.

      But you are correct that this was also a new experience for me. On my multi-award wining “Writers Block” we had no more than six or seven people in total on set – both cast and crew. There were more people in the audience cast for this film than the entire line-up for “WB” so yes that was a huge difference although I didn’t actually realise this until just now!!

      As for being “professional”? Well, at least I didn’t hit anybody! 😛

  3. Very well put John.
    Hopefully the experience was as educational, as it was enjoyable, as it was entertaining for all those who participated!

  4. I echo John’s words. You done a great job Lee and everyone was able to follow you commands without any problems. I also enjoyed the experience.
    I liked the Snapper photos too Simon, they make me look quite thin for a change ha ha.

    1. Hi Bob.
      I don’t know what you’re talking about, after all you’re nowt but a racing snake!

  5. I’m only sorry I couldn’t be there to film the filmers. Sounds as if you had a great time and a little bit of fun. Marian is recovering well now so hope to see you all Tuesday, when I am sure to hear all about it!

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