The OVFM Autumn Show
“It’s a Calamity…Jane!” Mike Turner grumbles as I enter the hall.
“What’s the prob Mike? And by the way don’t call me Jane.” I answer calmly, being used to his outbursts.
“Surely you can see what’s wrong!” He continues.
“Oh no there’s not some kind of biscuit shortage is there?” I reply anxiously, my heart gripped by sudden panic “And by the way don’t call me Shirley.”
“No, no, no, nothing like that. It’s the raffle, look.” He insists, roughly pushing Roger aside and stomping across the room.
I stride after him to the table arranged artfully with raffle prizes and study it intently. Mike jumps up and down beside me barely unable to contain his frustration. At first I cant see what’s unsettling him but then I look again and spot it…the Doris Day cd!! Of course! Now we’ll all familiar with Mike T’s predilection for this singer and actress, an appreciation that borders on obsession and makes this normally level headed man prone to irrational behaviour.
Mike was in a fix, he HAD to win the cd. Out came the wallet and he slammed a wad of notes down infront of Freddy and Brenda.
“30,000 tickets please and make it snappy.” He demands
“Just wait a dog gone minute buster!” Brenda exclaims examining the notes suspiciously “Monopoly money isn’t legal tender in this town!”
Dejected but desperate Mike fumbles through his pockets and scrapes together some coppers and a five pound note.
“Five strips please and keep the change.” He asks with dignity before strutting off with his head held high to practice his acceptance speech.
Brenda, Freddy and I exchange a glance and shrug meaningfully. What if Mike doesn’t win? We all know the dreadful consequences that would result from that awful scenario!
After an action packed first half of films great and small, followed by an action packed tea interval of biscuits great and small we all file back into the hall to ready ourselves for the action packed second half.
But first comes THE RAFFLE (cue the dramatic music, or failing that something funny by George Formby).
As Mike climbs the rostrum to deliver his raffle address a kind of hush falls over the audience. Someone bursts into song, a homage to the Carpenters, but is quickly set upon and silenced by the catering committee armed with stale French sticks.
“Unaccustomed as I am…” Mike begins. But realising that the catering committee are calling for reinforcements he skips straight to the draw. One by one he reads the ticket numbers out, and one by one he fails to win, and one by one the raffle prizes are claimed until all that’s left is one lonely little prize…!
Well to cut a long story short, Mike didn’t in fact win the wonderful Doris Day CD. The winning ticket actually belonged to someone else. Mike was very decent about it all, and the winner went home feeling delighted with his prize and in subsequent years was so inspired by Doris Day’s wonderful voice and her wonderful heart warming songs he founded a charitable foundation that brings health and happiness to disenchanted financial service workers all over the world. So all’s well that ends well.
And the second half of the Autumn Show was as good and maybe even better than the first half and everybody went home entertained, uplifted and just a little bit poorer, I mean better people.
So the moral of the story is?
A Doris a Day makes Mike work, rest and play. Film is fun. Don’t stand in front of a blank white screen when Mr Thought Bubble Man is around, and if you see several ladies approaching brandishing French sticks RUN!
For reasons of propriety and as a result of a thinly veiled threat to introduce a ‘Doris Day Tribute’ category into the annual film competition I feel it prudent to make the following retraction.
Any suggestions of insanity, polygamy, gluttony and unlawful behaviour is entirely unfounded and any similarity between the characters in this article and real people is entirely accidental.