For our next club meeting we leave our usual premises of the Barnyard Room for the annual Garden Party!

This year Colin Jones and Mrs. Colin will once again open their home up to club members and their partners (that’s your own partners by the way, a new rule enforced after last year’s embarrassment when Mike Shaw and Ian Menage turned up with each other’s wives) wishing to spend a cold, wet night in their glorious garden under the pretence of summer social gathering.

Colin’s address can be found in the Members Details section of this site (be sure you are logged into access it) while Mrs. Colin’s address is none of your business. I was sent a crude map illustrating the exact location of the Jones abode but as I say it was crude and I’m not having that kind of filth on this website! (Only joking, I posted it on the Members Details page for safety to keep undesirables from seeing Colin’s address).

I was also sent a recent picture of the garden, just in case anyone doesn’t know what grass, bushes and random flowers look like in situ:


And breathe out.

Because of where their house is positioned, it is suggested those driving should park along Grosvenor Road where possible, while parking on Colin’s driveway is to be reserved for those handling the catering duties and no-one else upon pain of death or a bop over the head with a feather duster, whichever is most convenient. If you are arriving on foot, congratulations on learning how to walk.

With regard to the food, you should have all filled in the form passed around at previous club meetings denoting your preferences. If you didn’t then you’re going to starve.

Since it is against Colin’s religion to have more than four chairs in the house, those attending are advised to bring their own garden chair to sit on, unless you are adept at levitation, as well as small table if you can only suspend one thing in the air at a time. Also, to minimise the amount of washing up the hosts will have to do, you are asked to provide your own cutlery, glasses and additional condiments should you require them.

To truly minimise any hassle for Mr & Mrs. Colin, perhaps it is best to not turn up at all, and let them stuff their faces with 30 orders of fish, chips, chicken, Chinese, pizza and Sugar Puffs (yes Reg, your secret is out!).

Entertainment will be provided by your own imagination as Colin was forced to pawn his Buckaroo game to pay for Mrs. Colin’s new gold plated hairspray – unless someone spikes the coffee in which case I am glad I’ll be staying at home.  Then again Colin might do one of his famous theatrical turns for you, so just to be sure the police will be on standby.

The doors to Chez Colin will be opened at 6:30pm, a bit earlier than our usual meeting start time but these are different circumstances in case you hadn’t noticed. If you arrive late, the key will be under the mat, the mat will be under the cat and the cat will be under the influence of ten pints of Carlsberg.

So please make sure you have a good(ish) time and don’t overindulge like Hugh Darrington famously once did and spent most of 1989 on the toilet (and you thought he always sounded like that) and be kind to Colin and Mrs. Colin’s home – it’s the only one they have (well, officially anyway).

Bon appétit!

OVFM Club Meeting Tuesday July 3rd 2012


Another OVFM annual tradition supplants our regular club meetings this week in the form of the annual barbecue – or in this case a Garden Party.

Why a garden party? Well, the event this year will be held in the stately home of Colin and Mrs Colin Jones (you know where to look for the address; if not how the hell did you get onto this website?) and they have some shrubs that need digging up and can’t be arsed to do it themselves. So anyone foolish enough to show up with a shovel and wheelbarrow to unleash their inner Titchmarsh will be reward with some food. Possibly.

In following on from last year’s event held at Mike Shaw’s palatial abode, the menu will be another feast of fish and chips style sustenance. Hopefully you all should have filled in the form passed around at the recent club meetings stating whether you were attending and what food you would like to eat. If you didn’t then I’m afraid you’re going to starve.

As before you need to make sure you bring your own chairs, tables, drinks, glasses, cutlery, plates, condiments, washing up liquid, toilet, books, TV, computers, music, oxygen, and as it’s summer, your raincoats, umbrellas, snorkels, towels, change of clothes etc. and, if you’ve got room left in the car, yourselves.

Colin will be opening his doors at 6:30pm then shutting them again as his wife says it lets the cold in. You will of course need the password to gain entrance into the Jones residence and that password can be found wherever you last left it. If you have any trouble parking then you might need to practice more.

It should be a fun evening.*




*Should be but I’m making no promises.