If a job’s worth doing it’s definitely worth doing.
Whoever it was who said that movie making is no walk in the park, no bed of roses, no drive down easy street, and no double cheese burger with extra fries and a side order of onion rings, was one VERY perceptive fella!
John displays unusual fortitude in spite of the artistic agony he’s suffering.
Movie making is hell! It’s a walk on the wild side, it’s a dance with danger, it’s a tango with terror, a waltz with a wilful warthog, a foxtrot with fear, a paso doble two step with a peckish penguin, a gentleman’s excuse me with a….gentleman.
Waldorf salad is a dish best served cold.
Let me tell you movie making will chew you up and spit you out. It’ll mop the floor with you, wring you out in the dirty bucket of disappointment, leave you limp, damp and cold and then grin and do it to you all over again!
Movie making is tough…it’s so tough that on the universal scale of toughness it’s literally off the scale. It’s so tough that if you look up TOUGH in the dictionary it just says ‘Try making a movie buster!’
Now I’m not saying that the committed band of OVFM coaching evening stalwarts who gathered on Tuesday evening were making a movie…no I’m not saying that!
And I’m not saying that they weren’t!
Brenda seeks solace in drink.
What I am saying is movie making is difficult. It’s like juggling two eggs, doing up your shoelaces, constructing a flat pack wardrobe…and sending a text message…when you’re over forty!
But the OVFM coaching evening stalwarts laugh in the face of difficulty and decided they would make a movie (or a ‘film’ as we in the know say) anyway.
Masking her inner torment Barbara puts a brave face on it.
So with scripts in hand, props to the fore, best learning brains in gear and a whole heap of equipment that I couldn’t begin to describe (or understand!) we set about making the best darn movie OVFM has ever seen (made on a Tuesday this week, between the hours of 6.30 and 10pm, about letters….guaranteed. PS This is not a guarantee!)
Lee takes a moment to enjoy a little chuckle.
I could tell you how we did it…but I wont. You should have been there. The heat of the lights, the roar of the crowds (or was that my stomach rumbling?), the romance, the drama, the highs, the lows. But we got through, we manned up, we soldiered on, we whistled while we worked, we tip-toed through the tulips, we rolled out the barrel and we got to it and made our bally movie.
There’s no eye in team.
And if you want to see this triumph over adversity, this diamond plucked from the mud, this snook cocked at failure, then come soon to a picture house near you where you will gasp, cry, laugh and possibly even be entertained (terms and conditions apply) and all will be revealed. You’ll believe a man can fly, or failing that you WILL see yours trully in a cameo role that’ll take your breath away. Acting? Make your own mind up. Wonder, amazement, expectation or simply gormless? You decide; )
Cracking under the stress of being clapper boy Chris resorts to personal insult.
In the pressure cooker atmosphere of the film set Roger and Basil trade abuse.
For this week’s club meeting we look forward to seeing the results of your hard labour in creating a film that fits the theme of “Two Words” as suggest by moi. If you should still need a reminder after the three months of heavy promotion of what this entails the details can be found HERE But I am sure that is not the case and you’ve all been beavering away to create something rather wonderful to share with us all, just as I have, which I am sure you are all aware of anyway.
As always we ask that those you who will be submitting a film to please reply to this post below saying as much so we have a rough idea of how the time allotment for this session will play out.
Also could you please include the following information with your submission:
Film Title
Your Name
Running Time
Aspect Ratio (4:3 or 16:9)
This simple act of cooperation makes all the difference for our archivists and programme compilers and is greatly appreciated.
As you all should be aware by now, Cap’n Chris Coulson stepped down as Chairman of OVFM after three years in the position and ten years on the committee. Thus the AGM held on Tuesday April 16th 2013 was a pivotal one for the club as we saw the committee – aka the Legion Of Doom – receive its biggest shake up in quite some time.
Over the past few years the line-up of the committee has remained largely unchanged but with the sad passing of Vice-Chairman Mike Turner in September 2012, necessity brought about this first stage of change followed by Chris’s decision to stand down. As per the protocol of the election, every member of the committee, from top to bottom, was obliged to vacate their positions until the votes had been counted so no-one was guaranteed their seat until the votes were counted. With two nominees for the vacant key seats already accepted by incumbent committee members, a position was now available for ordinary member leaving the field open for anyone to put themselves forward for nomination.
With the winds of change now sweeping through the club the votes were counted and the new committee announced. Going forward, here are the people who make up the new OVFM committee:
Chairman – Simon Earwicker
Vice Chairman – Sam Brown
Treasurer – David Laker
Secretary – Freddy Beard
Competitions Officer – Brenda Wheatley
Press Officer – Annabelle Lancaster *
Ordinary Members:
Reg Lancaster
Ian Menage
Lee Relph
Andy Watson
* Annabelle has agreed to remain as press officer but only for a short time until a replacement can be found either within the current committee or if someone else should wish to take on the role.
Our congratulations go to Simon “Snapper” Earwicker as he becomes the latest person to steer the good ship OVFM onwards and upwards through whatever choppy seas await us. I’m sure he’ll do a good job in following in the rather large footsteps Chris has left behind and of course we offer our thanks to Chris for his leadership and contribution as chairman over the past three years.
Please give Simon and the committee your full support and remember, they are there to make sure the club continues to remain a successful and active concern for all of us. If you have any queries, ideas, suggestions or concerns about the club feel free to let any of the above know so they can raise it on your behalf at the committee meetings.
Cassius Clay is now known as Muhammad Ali. Ceylon is now known as Sri Lanka. Marathon chocolate bars are now known as Snickers. For a small group of brave (or foolhardy, take your pick) members from OVFM Good Friday is now known as Freezing Friday!
On March 29th 2013 when most people were safely tucked up in doors in the warmth, lasciviously eyeing the Easter eggs they were told not to open until Sunday, the intrepid quartet of Reg “Bomber” Lancaster, Lady Annabelle, Simon “Snapper” Earwicker and yours truly, along with my loyal chauffeur and father Tony, tackled the chilling winds and inclement temperatures head on in the name of film making. The production in question was my film Two Little Words, my entry into the Two Words project, the results of which will screen to the rest of the club at the meeting on April 30th.
Yup, Lee was back in town to make another film…
Naturally, I hadn’t intended on shooting on such a cold day but when I began to set the wheel in motion for this project the settlement on the date for everyone involved was paramount and the only date upon which we were ALL agreed was Good Friday. There is also the small matter of not being in a position to have any control over the weather; if I had that there wouldn’t be a problem. Unfortunately for me and the shoot, 2013 was proving to be a VERY unpredictable year weather wise, with two bouts of snow already under our belts and the pre-Spring tease of lighter skies and less chilly temperatures that usually peeps it head out from behind the frosty clouds in early March was presumably staying in bed to keep warm.
When the temperatures remained low and the snow was refusing to let up with the threat of more coming to Orpington on Friday, I was rather apprehensive that things wouldn’t work out for the shoot. Thankfully everyone agreed that the weather be damned and the shoot should go ahead. This warmed my heart tremendously.
The brave (and very cold) cast & crew of “Two Little Words”
However twenty four hours before the shoot, not only did it start snowing again but I still didn’t have a key prop, a rosette for one character. Now, I had the chance to buy a set of rosettes from E-bay the week before but I believed everyone when they told me I could get one in a number of shops. Was this true? Was it hell! Not ONE single shop I tried had them! Really! Card shops, hobby shops, joke shops, costume shops, trophy makers, even a saddlery didn’t have one. In the end I found some “Small cheap “Birthday boy” ones which had to be sewn together and patched up to become more akin to what I needed. Thankfully it came out all right.
Then the e-mails started coming in.
Urge to kill…rising….
The partner of my leading lady, the talented writer and actress Vanessa Chapman, was due to take one of the roles but when their son became ill, he opted to stay home and look after him, leaving me an actor down. Thankfully Vanessa offered to fix this by asking someone she knew who was going to be in Orpington for a while and agreed to help out, Rob Bushell, son of legendary TV critique Gary Bushell who was a fixture on Saturday night TV back in the 80’s. However he was out driving and we had to wait for a reply. This was about 22:30pm!! Then there was some confusion about the directions to my house when one person got the house number wrong! Then one person asked if they could be gone by four as they had an engagement in Whistable at 7:00pm! Now she tells me! Finally, being so engrossed in getting the actors, I forgot to acquire my crew and at this late stage I was unable to secure any further help. As it turned out, we managed with the four of us.
Even Simon couldn’t muster his usual enthusiasm…
I knew something like this would happen but I didn’t expect it all happen with the space of the same half hour. I seriously expected to look out the window and see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hovering outside with Pestilence saying, with a gleeful twinkle in his eye “See you in the morning!”
With no edition of Question Time on TV it was my nerves that kept me awake this particular Thursday night rather than my usual residual anger at the sanctimonious, ignorant bile spewed forth on said panel debate show. With the temperature having taken a noticeable drop I feared this would be prescient to more snow overnight. No matter how often I turned my body in my bed, I could not find a comfortable enough spot or position that would tempt my cognisant senses that shutting down for a few hours would be not just a great idea but a prudent one.
During this restless period my mind was buzzing with a paranoia I’m sure many a filmmaker has experienced the night before a shoot. Will the weather hold up? Will the cast show up? With they be good? Will they be lousy? What if we overrun so badly that we end up rushing crucial scenes or forget and fall short on others? What if the camera breaks down? What if the outdoor filming is hampered due to people trying to ruin the shots? What if a giant atomic fish headed chicken bodied hybrid beast that can shoot lasers from its eyes and lay toxic egg bombs were to rise from the ground and eviscerate Orpington to the point that it is completely uninhabitable? You can laugh but cameras do break you know!
Remember, it’s not stalking if you film it…
Eventually I must of have dropped off (I don’t remember, I was asleep) because I woke up fresh and early (well, early). I was chuffed to mint balls to pull back my curtains to see that the God had not spilled any more of his Columbian nose powder across the garden and that the faint glimmer of light was present in the sky. It actually gave me a sliver of hope that we may have a successful day after all, but I am a pessimist by nature thus I’m not in the nature of hatching any chickens before the I’s have been crossed and Peter has been robbed so the pounds can look after their oysters.
So how would the actual shoot go down? Find in Part Two.
This week is the one time we get serious here at OVFM as we hold our annual AGM.
 This is the even where the club members elected to fulfil the major positions of the club’s committee (aka the Legion of Doom) sit before us and conduct the session in which YOU are given the opportunity to make your voice heard.
 To download the agenda in full for the meeting please click HERE.
 The most important matter to be addressed this year is the election of the committee members which has been discussed at great length HERE. As you already know our incumbent Chairman Cap’n Chris Coulson is stepping down from this position after three years thus we will be electing in a new chairman. Our current vice chairman Simon “Snapper” Earwicker has agreed to put himself up for election for this spot while ordinary member Sam Brown is willing to fill the Vice Chairman spot.
This leaves us with a number of vacant ordinary member positions to be filled so club members who wish to have a greater say in how the club is run could get their chance – if the votes swing their way. Remember this is a democratic process so NONE of the current committee members are guaranteed to resume their places until the votes are counted; we could end up with a completely new look committee once the night is over.
This is an important and pivotal night for OVFM so your presence in very much requested this Tuesday evening and your input and opinions are equally as vital. See you then.
