The Autumn Show, a Review…NOT!

 The OVFM Autumn Show

It’s a Calamity…Jane!” Mike Turner grumbles as I enter the hall.

 “What’s the prob Mike? And by the way don’t call me Jane.” I answer calmly, being used to his outbursts.

Mike stakes his claim

 “Surely you can see what’s wrong!” He continues.

 “Oh no there’s not some kind of biscuit shortage is there?” I reply anxiously, my heart gripped by sudden panic “And by the way don’t call me Shirley.”

Peggy prepares the Projectionists' Refreshments

 

“No, no, no, nothing like that. It’s the raffle, look.” He insists, roughly pushing Roger aside and stomping across the room.

 I stride after him to the table arranged artfully with raffle prizes and study it intently. Mike jumps up and down beside me barely unable to contain his frustration. At first I cant see what’s unsettling him but then I look again and spot it…the Doris Day cd!! Of course! Now we’ll all familiar with Mike T’s predilection for this singer and actress, an appreciation that borders on obsession and makes this normally level headed man prone to irrational behaviour.

Mike! That's very Unhygenic.

 

Mike was in a fix, he HAD to win the cd. Out came the wallet and he slammed a wad of notes down infront of Freddy and Brenda.

Mike Wrestles With his Wallet

 

“30,000 tickets please and make it snappy.” He demands

 

“Just wait a dog gone minute buster!” Brenda exclaims examining the notes suspiciously “Monopoly money isn’t legal tender in this town!”

Freddy Casts a Critical Eye

 

Dejected but desperate Mike fumbles through his pockets and scrapes together some coppers and a five pound note.

 

“Five strips please and keep the change.” He asks with dignity before strutting off with his head held high to practice his acceptance speech.

Mike Becomes First victim of Mr Thought Bubble Man

 

Brenda, Freddy and I exchange a glance and shrug meaningfully. What if Mike doesn’t win? We all know the dreadful consequences that would result from that awful scenerio!

Pete Becomes the Second Victim

 

The Inaugral Meeting of the DD Appreciation Society,,,and George Formby

David And Chris Preview the evening's Entertainment

An Eager Audience Awaits

Much Later.

 After an action packed first half of films great and small, followed by an action packed tea interval of biscuits great and small we all file back into the hall to ready ourselves for the action packed second half.

Peggy, Freddy and Jo...Poetry in motion

 

Mike's Wives Number One and Two console themselves while John looks on

 But first comes THE RAFFLE (cue the dramatic music, or failing that something funny by George Formby).

Please Mike! Control yourself

 

The Catering Commitee Limber Up

As Mike climbs the rostrum to deliver his raffle address a kind of hush falls over the audience. Someone bursts into song, a homage to the Carpenters, but is quickly set upon and scilenced by the catering commitee armed with stale French sticks.

Brenda sincerely Wishes Mike the best of Luck!

 “Unaccustomed as I am…” Mike begins. But realising that the catering commitee are calling for reinforcements he skips straight to the draw. One by one he reads the ticket numbers out, and one by one he fails to win, and one by one the raffle prizes are claimed until all that’s left is one lonely little prize…!

The Lucky Winner Keeps His Head Down

 Well to cut a long story short, Mike didn’t in fact win the wonderful Doris Day cd. The winning ticket actually belonged to someone else. Mike was very decent about it all, and the winner went home feeling delighted with his prize and in subsequent years was so inspired by Doris Day’s wonderful voice and her wonderful heart warming songs he founded a charitable foundation that brings health and happiness to disenchanted finacial service workers all over the world. So all’s well that ends well.

 And the second half of the Autumn Show was as good and maybe even better than the first half and everybody went home entertained, uplifted and just a little bit poorer, I mean better people.

 So the moral of the story is?

 A Doris a Day makes Mike work, rest and play. Film is fun. Don’t stand in front of a blank white screen when Mr Thought Bubble Man is around, and if you see several ladies approaching brandishing French sticks RUN!

A Successful raffle winner keeps out of sight

 Disclaimer.

 For reasons of propriety and as a result of a thinly veiled threat to introduce a ‘Doris Day Tribute’ catergory into the annual film competition I feel it prudent to make the following retraction.

 Any suggestions of insanity, polygamy, gluttony and unlawful behaviour is entirely unfounded and any similarity between the characters in this article and real people is entirely accidental.

 Phew!

12 comments on “The Autumn Show, a Review…NOT!”

    • Simon Earwicker

      Ta Lee, great to see your Ma and Pa at the show, I hope they enjoyed themselves.

  1. Chris Coulson

    Thanks Simon. You just made me burst out laughing with such ferocity, I’m going to have to clean my dinner off my screen!

    • Simon Earwicker

      It may interest you to learn Chris that a circular glass window strategically positioned between you and your screen and spinning at high speed will solve all your splatter problems…plus by training the cats you also have an eco power solution!

  2. Annabelle

    Brilliant Simon. Now I feel as though I was there after all. Thank you!

    • Simon Earwicker

      Hi Annabelle, I only wish that you and Reg could have been there in person. We missed you terribly!

    • Simon Earwicker

      Aunty Simon says “Feelings of irrational rage, uncontrollable anger and undisguised loathing are perfectly normal…so just take a deep breath and say to yourself ‘everyday in every way I’m learning to live without chocolate biscuits'”

  3. Mike Turner

    Simon–Even though I did not win the coveted raffle prize as Doris, Clint Eastwood and I would say, “you made my DAY.

    • Simon Earwicker

      Do You Feel Lucky Mike? Well Do You?
      Out of respect for my betters I resist the urge to call you Punk!
      Anyway how is your counting?

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